the nicer folks

"You have a 4.85 service fee?"

"Yes."

"Well. Uh. Whew. Geeze." (she sighs for like 25.2 seconds)

"would you like to purchase"

"that is a lot of money."

"well, feel free to give us a call back."

"oh, I doubt that."

click.

"and what is the billing address on your credit card?"

"um, oh, i'm not sure. this is for my doctor. i'm at my doctors office. and...um...i told him about the show and he wants to go to the show. with me. well not with me but. well, with a group of us and um...well....hold on i'm in the room and let me go find the doctor then."

(shuffling, ambient noise)

"dr. ______ what's the billing address on your credit card?!!!"

????

Lunch Stalker

"Do you have a show tonight?"

"Yes, it's at 8pm. Tickets are $30."

"Ok...ok, great. Um, and do you take a lunch or will you be there all day?"

"We are here all day."

pause.

"You don't take a lunch?"

pause.

"I might take a break..." awkwardly...

laughing "I see I see, so you don't take a lunch at a specific time? Like when do you go to lunch?"

"It's not routine."

"Ok, I'll figure it out then."

Click.

Listen

"I'd like to speak with ______"

"Ok, he's not here right now let me put you through to his line."

5 second later. phone rings again.

"I'd like to speak with ______"

"Oh, I just put you through to his voicemail. Did you leave a message?"

"Well, is he not available or something?"

On the Record

"Yes we got a refund but I want to go on the record here and say it was a most unpleasant afternoon."

Disturbed by Religious Show

On my answering machine:

"Yes, I'm disturbed by your show. Making fun of religion and the catholic faith in your show is sacreligious and offensive. Nuns are sacred."

Then she hangs up.

Clear Directions

"We are at the Embassy. How do we get there?"

"Where is the Embassy?"

"Chicago."