Lunch Stalker

"Do you have a show tonight?"

"Yes, it's at 8pm. Tickets are $30."

"Ok...ok, great. Um, and do you take a lunch or will you be there all day?"

"We are here all day."

pause.

"You don't take a lunch?"

pause.

"I might take a break..." awkwardly...

laughing "I see I see, so you don't take a lunch at a specific time? Like when do you go to lunch?"

"It's not routine."

"Ok, I'll figure it out then."

Click.

Listen

"I'd like to speak with ______"

"Ok, he's not here right now let me put you through to his line."

5 second later. phone rings again.

"I'd like to speak with ______"

"Oh, I just put you through to his voicemail. Did you leave a message?"

"Well, is he not available or something?"

On the Record

"Yes we got a refund but I want to go on the record here and say it was a most unpleasant afternoon."

Disturbed by Religious Show

On my answering machine:

"Yes, I'm disturbed by your show. Making fun of religion and the catholic faith in your show is sacreligious and offensive. Nuns are sacred."

Then she hangs up.

Clear Directions

"We are at the Embassy. How do we get there?"

"Where is the Embassy?"

"Chicago."

The Blind-Always Looking for Some Freebie

Woman is pushed up to my window by her ?son? in her wheelchair. She looks at me, in my eyes and says:

"Do you have discount tickets for blind people?"

I pause. She's looking AT me. I'm confused.

"I'm blind."

Her son looks away and shifts uncomfortably.

"No, we have discounts for students and seniors."

"But nothing for blind people?"

"No."

"Hmmm. Well we're blind."

Her son looks at me nervously and says to his mother.."oh, ok."

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Stalker Customer

"Um I left a voice mail to reserve two tickets."

"Well I'm not sure whose voicemail you left it on. I can help you now. We can reserve tickets with payment only."

"Well what if I call when you're closed."

"Then you'll have to call back during business hours."

"Goodbye." rudely hangs up.

I call her back. Explain our reservation policy on her voice mail. Tell her to call back if she would like tickets. She calls back.

"Yeah, your voice mail system does not say the hours."

"Yes it does."

I know she didn't listen all the way to the message.

"Maybe you didn't-"

"No, I listened to the whole thing."

"Ok, well maybe there is a problem with it. I'll look into that. Did you want to purchase tickets?"

She stumbles in frustration that I'm not arguing.

"Uh, yes."

She purchases the tickets.

Next day she calls back.

"Um what is your cancellation policy."

"Well the policy is that we do not do refunds, cancellations, or exchanges. We are required to tell people this."

"Well the person that took my order did not. So I want to cancel my tickets."

I pause. I know this is the same person. Does she have a life?

"Ok, let me look up your account."

She tells me her name. She has a snottiness in her voice, like she's finally winning this game. Unstable. That's all I can think of. She's unstable.

"Ok, I'm refunding your tickets based on the fact that you weren't aware of the policy. But quite frankly this whole process, going back and forth with you, has been ridiculous."

"I can't believe you would say that to me. How do you expect me to come to your theatre again?"

"I really don't want you to."

Click.