Disturbed by Religious Show

On my answering machine:

"Yes, I'm disturbed by your show. Making fun of religion and the catholic faith in your show is sacreligious and offensive. Nuns are sacred."

Then she hangs up.

Clear Directions

"We are at the Embassy. How do we get there?"

"Where is the Embassy?"

"Chicago."

The Blind-Always Looking for Some Freebie

Woman is pushed up to my window by her ?son? in her wheelchair. She looks at me, in my eyes and says:

"Do you have discount tickets for blind people?"

I pause. She's looking AT me. I'm confused.

"I'm blind."

Her son looks away and shifts uncomfortably.

"No, we have discounts for students and seniors."

"But nothing for blind people?"

"No."

"Hmmm. Well we're blind."

Her son looks at me nervously and says to his mother.."oh, ok."

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Stalker Customer

"Um I left a voice mail to reserve two tickets."

"Well I'm not sure whose voicemail you left it on. I can help you now. We can reserve tickets with payment only."

"Well what if I call when you're closed."

"Then you'll have to call back during business hours."

"Goodbye." rudely hangs up.

I call her back. Explain our reservation policy on her voice mail. Tell her to call back if she would like tickets. She calls back.

"Yeah, your voice mail system does not say the hours."

"Yes it does."

I know she didn't listen all the way to the message.

"Maybe you didn't-"

"No, I listened to the whole thing."

"Ok, well maybe there is a problem with it. I'll look into that. Did you want to purchase tickets?"

She stumbles in frustration that I'm not arguing.

"Uh, yes."

She purchases the tickets.

Next day she calls back.

"Um what is your cancellation policy."

"Well the policy is that we do not do refunds, cancellations, or exchanges. We are required to tell people this."

"Well the person that took my order did not. So I want to cancel my tickets."

I pause. I know this is the same person. Does she have a life?

"Ok, let me look up your account."

She tells me her name. She has a snottiness in her voice, like she's finally winning this game. Unstable. That's all I can think of. She's unstable.

"Ok, I'm refunding your tickets based on the fact that you weren't aware of the policy. But quite frankly this whole process, going back and forth with you, has been ridiculous."

"I can't believe you would say that to me. How do you expect me to come to your theatre again?"

"I really don't want you to."

Click.

On my answering machine....

"Yes, this is Sandra Miller and my friend told me that when I come see a show at your theatre and I sit in your seats I will end up crippled. I very much hope this is not the case."

Click.

"What date are you interested in?"

"I forgot. Can you hold please my dogs are at the door?"

"Now what rows does the balcony hang over?"

"The balcony does not hang in this theatre."

"That's impossible."

"Yes, I can tell you that the balcony does not hang."

"Now what if I dropped a yo-yo from the front row of the balcony what row would it land?"

"It would not land in a row."

"What if I dropped a rubber ball attached to a string?"

"It still would not."

"What matinees will you have on Wednesdays?"

"Well right now we do not have matinees on Wednesdays but we have a new show coming. It's called 'A Russian on the Side'."

"Is that a drink?!"

"No."

"I don't want to see anything with a Russian in it."

"Yes I need Ticketmaster."

"This is not Ticketmaster, it is the theatre."

"Oh! I need to buy one ticket please."

"For which show?"

"Apple Pie."

pause.

"Apple Pie?"

"yes."

"We don't have that show here."

"Oh."

Click.

"Is that show a one person comedian? Is she a comedian?"

"Yes."

"So she's a comedian then."

"Yes."

"Well, NO, it would be a comediana I believe. She's a comediana."

"Hmmm."

"Yes, we'll see."

click.

"We have tickets under the name Hershenson."

"Hmm. I don't have tickets under that name."

"HERSHONSON?! The name of the author of the play?"

"Oh, you mean, Gershonson?"

"Yeeeaaahhh!!"

"I want to see your show tomorrow."

"Which show do you want to see?"

"The one tomorrow?!"

"We have several shows."

"Hold on."

She puts me on hold to find out the name of the show. She returns.

"I'll have to call you back."

"Can I have a contact number please?"

"A phone number?! I don't have a contact!"

"How do we get there?"

"Well where are you?"

to her husband "Frank where are we?!"

her husband "North!"

"We headed north!"

"What street are you on?"

to her husband "What street are we on?"

her husband "Sedwick!"

"Sedgwick!"

"Ok I believe you want to-"

her husband "We don't need directions Louise!!"

"Nevermind then!"

Click.

"And what is your first name?"

"Marijuana."

"Oh that doesn't sound like something an old lady would like. Anything else?"

"Kama Sutra?"

"Oh my friend would not like that. He's Christian. He's a christian man."

"Can I speak to a manager please?"

"Which one?"

"The one in charge of the persecution of jews."

"What's the price?"

"24.00 per ticket plus a 4.50 service fee per ticket."

"That's expensive!"

"So are tampons so consider it a sanitary gift from you to me."

(ok, the last line was fantasy talk)

"So you're seat will be the third row, right off of the center aisle."

"So they're center?"

"Yes."

"Can you tell me which row please?"